The Fear of Getting What You Want and a Fear of Falling

I'm in the process of finalizing my yoga therapy training plans and I'm feeling a bizarre mixture if fear, excitement, and elation. I'll be attending a 5-day yoga therapy training in NYC at the end of April, and I'm quite happy about it. I did a lot of research and went through some great pains to find the right program. Many of them are out of state and scheduling can be a bit of a nightmare. Yet, here I am - signed up for a wonderful program that starts very soon. Why do I feel so scared?

A few years after regularly practicing yoga, I knew I wanted to be a teacher. I also knew that becoming a yoga teacher was only the first step in my journey. What really interests me is the healing effect of yoga. That's why I have decided to pursue yoga therapy. By the fall, my yoga therapy training will be complete. That prospect both thrills and terrifies me.

The thought of getting what I've wanted all of these years is a bit scary. After all, what if I don't like it? What if my new career ceases to be a passion and simply becomes work? What if I decide I want to do something different - does that mean I've wasted time and money on this training? All of those worries - over a good thing. Amazing! I think the better question to ask is so what? After all, what if none of those things happen? Perhaps it's time to stop fretting about what will be and just let things be.

This experience of yoga teacher and therapist training has been quite enlightening for me. I've learned a lot about myself. I find that I am one of those people who feels like she has to know everything before she can help others. Of course that belief is only a myth. What better way to learn than through teaching? I learn something new from my yoga students (and my yoga teachers) every day. No amount of training will put a stop to the learning process. Learning is ongoing. My yoga training may only last for a year or two, but I will remain a student of yoga and yoga therapy for the rest of my life.

The truth is, I do know enough to teach and help others. I don't need more study to be ready. I only need to jump in and trust myself and my knowledge while remaining open to learning new things. It's like coming into a difficult pose - you need to take your mind out of it and trust your body. You mind will say, "you're going to fall - watch out," while your body will simply make adjustments to keep you in balance.

I remember when I first practiced poses like crow and half moon. I would fear falling and injuring myself. If I were trying one of those poses in a class, I would worry about embarrasing myself and potentially crashing into the yogi on the mat next to mine. I realized that this fear was preventing me from achieving balance in these poses (it's a bit difficult to concentrate on you breath and your body when all you're thinking is "I can't do this."). I began to shift my thoughts from fear to fearlessness. Sure, I fell on my head a few times attempting crow, and once I whacked myself on the coffee table in my living room while trying to get into half moon pose. Instead of getting frustrated and angry when I fell, I laughed and lauded myself for going full out. After all, if you're going to do something, do it all the way - whether it's good or bad.

One of my favorite yogis, Eoin Finn, says during one of his yoga DVDs something to the effect of, "If you're going to fall, do it big and take out a whole bunch of people next to you." Those words make me chuckle every time I hear them. Still, there's a lot of wisdom in them.

I'm trying to adopt this way of thinking for my yoga therapy training. I'm going to go in there and do my best, give it my all. I'm going to be fearless. And I'm going to accept that I don't know everything and that I don't have to. It's ok to learn along the way.

After all, that's how I've lived my life - as one ongoing learning experience.

Namaste!

Comments

[Cami]

I wish I known about your blog before. I just began my yoga teacher training and I too am starting training to work as sort of a yoga therapist. I began a blog as well.

I'll be checking in on yours. It seems you may be a little farther down the path with this. Thanks for sharing.